zeitgeist

In Danish we have a wonderful word, "ildsjæl." Its actually two words as you can in Danish almost freely combine words to fit your meaning. As said, two words combined: "ild" and "sjæl." The first means 'fire' and the second, 'soul.' So, 'fire-soul.'

This stated to drive the point that I am not one of these. (Oh yes, 'fire-soul' is used descriptively for persons.) I realised tonight that I do not really have a passion - for anything. Well, this is slightly exaggerated; my girlfriend has the ability to create a storm and so does my family, but nothing else really.

I wish I was passionate beyond belief about something. Music, the Trinity, swimming, reading, knowing, seeing or 'just' an avid fan of a football team! But all of these are merely in category with so many other things that I enjoy placidly when the mood catches me. I am not obsessed. I am not compelled by.. what? mood? recognition? proving myself to myself? self-discipline? love? need?

No, what I am compelled by is 'ought'. I feel very deeply that I ought to 'realise myself' and fulfill my potential. I need to do this for myself or I'll look back in 60 years and regret not driving myself to the max. But where does this feeling originate from?

I am not under the impression that anyone living a century ago would have thought these things. None of the old litterature implies one having to stretch one's arms as far as they could go so one could actually know how far one's arms could go. It'd take up too much space and be a waste of effort. In contrast, I've been exhorted all my life to constantly and diligently exercise the joints in my upper body with the explicit purpose to give myself maximum arm span. I probably won't ever span as far as John Mayer, Bruce Cockburn or even Gavin Degraw, but "its okay, I did my best."

Not okay.

Living my life to try to run as hard and far as I can in just any direction won't do. Like the rest of humanity throughout all centuries, I need direction first and foremost. After that, I'll do what I can to go somewhere and get something done.

Running for the sake of running is not a timeless Truth. Its a current fashion that's only been regarded as 'the way to go' for less than 1% of the time man has been civilised. That's not exactly standing the test of time.

So I don't wan't to believe I am at the center of the universe. I'm to bloody insignificant. -and yes, that's a very, very good thing.